​Consider the context

Context for the child
 
Before you consider speaking to the child you really need to understand how the child communicates and whether they may experience any barriers in communicating with you (hyperlink to part 1 – barriers section). Some useful questions to ask yourself are;
 

• What barriers might the child face in communicating with me?
• How can I overcome these barriers?
• What additional support might the child need?
• Who can I seek advice from?

 
Environment
 
In this situation you or the child may have raised the conversation first as the child may have chosen to talk to you about their siblings’ abuse. If the child has spoken to you, you are unlikely to have had time to prepare for the conversation. However, it is important to be as prepared as possible for future conversations. 
 
You may choose to open a door of communication to a child during an activity, rather than inviting the child to join you for a conversation. However you choose to start the conversation, it is important to think about how and where it will take place. Conversations should always take place with as much privacy as possible for the child. It is also useful to keep the following considerations in mind.
 

• Think about what you know about the child, do they prefer to talk in a car or whilst walking? Some children find it easier to talk when they are not expected to look at an adult
• If you are planning to use a room, ensure it is warm, comfortable and quiet
• If using a room, try to ensure it is familiar to the child, but in this situation, outside the family home wherever possible
• Think about who else is present and try to speak to the child alone wherever possible. It is important to ensure the adult of concern is not present or close by.
• Sit on the same level as the child, this might be the floor or a low table
• Ensure you have a drink and a snack available where possible
• Think about positioning in the room. For example, can the child leave easily if they want to?

 
It is also important to think about when you are planning to talk to the child. For example, think about when you will see the child again after your discussion. If you are not likely to see the child again for a few days, you might want to consider waiting until you will be available on a more consistent basis. For example, try to avoid opening up a discussion with a child just before you are planning to take annual leave or just before the weekend.
 
 

​Points to consider when talking to the child

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• Notice the young person’s behaviour

Phrases such as “I notice you crying” may be helpful in demonstrating to the young person that you have noticed their behaviour and are holding them in mind.

• Comment rather than interpret

It is important not to assume what the young person is thinking or feeling. Using phrases such as “I notice you crying” are sufficient to demonstrate that you have noticed the behaviour without assuming what the behaviour may mean. Making such assumptions can be problematic, not least because they may be incorrect.

• Be attuned to the needs of the young person

Using phrases such as “I am here for you”, “I notice you are very quiet at the moment” are effective ways to try and ensure you are attuned to the needs of the child. The child may not talk to you about how they are feeling during this conversation, or indeed during any subsequent conversations, but this language provides the opportunity to show them you care and that you are listening.

• Open a door

Using phrases such as “If you want to talk to me I am here” are a great way to communicate an invitation to the young person and allow them to come to you another time if they wish. Following this up at a later time also helps the young person to see you have kept them in mind and allows them to communicate more with you.

• Be aware of your body language

So much of what you communicate is through your body language so it is important that you try and ensure your body is communicating the same messages as your spoken word. It is important to make sure you body language is communicating that you have time for the child and that you are comfortable.

• Give the child time

Children may need a few seconds, or even minutes, to process questions, particularly young children, those with learning difficulties or children whose first language is not the language you are speaking. Interrupting the child or asking another question before they have had time to answer your original question can make children feel they are not being listened to.

• Does the child have the language to communicate their experiences to you?

When children experience sexual abuse before they are able to speak, they may have difficulty attributing words to their experiences. In these situations, it may be easier for children to communicate with you in other ways, such as through play or drawing.  

​What questions can I ask?
 

The following example gives some suggestions of ways in which you may speak to the child.

Example
 Discussion with Hassan
 
“I wondered if we could have a chat about something I read in your file”
 
Hassan “Why? What have you seen?”
 
“Mrs Johnson from your primary school was quite worried that you sometimes seemed quiet when you were in school and Jo, your foster carer, noticed you didn’t always like to go to sleep”
 
Hassan “Hmmm”
 
“Sometimes children go through difficult things but adults don’t always ask them about it”
 
Hassan “Mmmm”
 
“I wondered whether something was happening for you that made it difficult to go to sleep at night”
 
Hassan “dunno, might have been”
 
“Mr Lin wrote about a time when you touched another boy in the toilets at school, and I wondered whether you had seen that somewhere?”
 
Hassan “dunno”
 
“If you ever want to talk about anything I am here to listen. I care about you, I won’t judge you, and I will listen to you”
 
Hassan may not want to talk to you about anything more at the moment and that is fine, you have opened a door to communication. 

​Talking to parents and carers 

 
For more information and support for talking to parents and carers please have a look at our non-abusing parents guidance (hyperlink)

​Reflection Point

 Think about whether you have given the child enough opportunities to talk to you. 
Remember, it is not the child’s responsibility to talk to us, it is our responsibility to provide the child with opportunities to talk to us.

How old is the child?

0 - 2

3- 5

6 - 9

10 - 13

14 - 15

16 - 18

Is there anything about the child’s behaviour that is also giving you cause for concern now? ​