​Consider the context

Context for the child
 
Before you consider speaking to the child you really need to understand how the child communicates and whether they may experience any barriers in communicating with you (hyperlink to part 1 – barriers section). Some useful questions to ask yourself are;
 

• What barriers might the child face in communicating with me?
• How can I overcome these barriers?
• What additional support might the child need?
• Who can I seek advice from?

 
Environment
 
Whilst you may not have much time to prepare for your conversation with the child, it is important to think about how and where it will take place. Conversations should always take place with as much privacy as possible for the child and with the following considerations in mind.
 

• Think about what you know about the child, do they prefer to talk in a car or whilst walking? Some children find it easier to talk when they are not expected to look at an adult
• If you are planning to use a room, ensure it is warm, comfortable and quiet
• If using a room, try to ensure it is familiar to the child
• Think about who else is present and try to speak to the child alone wherever possible
• Sit on the same level as the child, this might be the floor or a low table
• Ensure you have a drink and a snack available where possible
• Think about positioning in the room. For example, can the child leave easily if they want to?

 
It is also important to think about when you are planning to talk to the child. For example, think about when you will see the child again after your discussion. If you are not likely to see the child again for a few days, you might want to consider waiting until you will be available on a more consistent basis. For example, try to avoid opening up a discussion with a child just before you are planning to take annual leave or just before the weekend. 

​Points to consider when talking to the child

• Notice the young person’s behaviour

Phrases such as “I notice you crying” may be helpful in demonstrating to the young person that you have noticed their behaviour and are holding them in mind.

• Comment rather than interpret

It is important not to assume what the young person is thinking or feeling. Using phrases such as “I notice you crying” are sufficient to demonstrate that you have noticed the behaviour without assuming what the behaviour may mean. Making such assumptions can be problematic, not least because they may be incorrect.

• Be attuned to the needs of the young person

Using phrases such as “I am here for you”, “I notice you are very quiet at the moment” are effective ways to try and ensure you are attuned to the needs of the child. The child may not talk to you about how they are feeling during this conversation, or indeed during any subsequent conversations, but this language provides the opportunity to show them you care and that you are listening.

• Open a door

Using phrases such as “If you want to talk to me I am here” are a great way to communicate an invitation to the young person and allow them to come to you another time if they wish. Following this up at a later time also helps the young person to see you have kept them in mind and allows them to communicate more with you.

• Be aware of your body language

So much of what you communicate is through your body language so it is important that you try and ensure your body is communicating the same messages as your spoken word. It is important to make sure you body language is communicating that you have time for the child and that you are comfortable.

• Give the child time

Children may need a few seconds, or even minutes, to process questions, particularly young children, those with learning difficulties or children whose first language is not the language you are speaking. Interrupting the child or asking another question before they have had time to answer your original question can make children feel they are not being listened to.
 

​What questions can I ask?
 

At this stage, you are wanting to understand how the child is feeling, whether they have any worries, and how you can best support the child. The words you use will be guided  by the conversation but at this stage you may not need to ask any questions but rather open a door for further communication;
 

• I have noticed you don’t seem yourself at the moment
• I have noticed you crying
• I notice you are very quiet at the moment

 
“I have noticed” statements are useful in demonstrating to the child that you are thinking about them and holding them in mind. The child may or may not respond to you at this point and it is important that you don’t expect to receive a response. However, you may want to say more to open up a conversation and you may choose to say things like;
 

• Help me understand
• Can you tell me more about that
• I have noticed X and I wonder what might be going on for you at the moment
• I have noticed X and would like to understand more about that

 
Using slightly more directive statements of questions as the conversation develops is known as taking a graduated approach, an example of which is shown below. 

Example of a graduated approach
 
I have noticed X and I wonder what might be going on for you….”.
 
If the child does not say anything in response it may be helpful to notice another behaviour you may have seen, such as "I've also noticed that you don't seem to want to go home very much".
 
Again, if the child doesn’t respond, it may be helpful for you to show you are aware of some of the challenges faced by children by saying, for example, "sometimes, things happen to children in families that make it very hard for children to talk".
 
The child may still not respond to you and that is Ok, children rarely tell adults what is happening for them during one conversation, their decision to tell an adult is likely to occur over time as children feel they are no longer able to contain their feelings. Consequently, it is important to end the conversation by communicating an invitation to talk again by saying, for example, "I'm always around if you want to talk to me about anything". 
 

If the child you are concerned about has displayed sexualised behaviour you may want to ask questions such as;
 

• I’ve noticed you doing X, some people have different words for this, I wonder what you call it?
• I’ve noticed you doing X, I am interested in whether you have seen this somewhere?
• I noticed you doing X, can tell me anything about that?
• I have noticed you doing X, I am interested to know if you have heard about this anywhere?

 
One particular type of question that should always be avoided is the ‘Why’ question. Why questions can sound blaming to the child and can be interpreted as accusatory. You may want to understand the reason the child doesn’t want to go home or the reason they seem scared of their father. In these situations you can ask “What are you most worried about if…..”. For example,
 

• What worries you most about going home?
• What worries you most about your dad finding out we have spoken?”

How does it work in practice?
 
Lucy, a 7-year-old girl in your class is unusually quiet at the moment, she seems distracted in lessons and recently you have noticed her moving around a lot in her chair during lessons. You are worried about Lucy. You want to speak to her to let her know you are worried and give her the opportunity to talk to you.
 
You have invited Lucy into your office and have made sure there are no other children around. You have a glass of water, some paper and some pencils on the table.
 
You start off by saying “I have noticed you seem quiet at the moment Lucy”. Lucy doesn’t say anything, she looks down at the table. You say “those pencils are there for you if you would like to do some drawing”.
 
You say “I notice you seem to find it difficult to concentrate in lessons” Lucy nods. You say, “why is that?” and Lucy looks away and doesn’t respond. This has shut Lucy down. She may feel that you are ‘telling her off’ for struggling to concentrate.
 
Instead you might have said, “you find it difficult to concentrate in lessons, can you tell me more about that?” Lucy says “it’s not comfortable”. You say, “what isn’t comfortable?” This again shuts Lucy down, she may not feel ready to answer that question at the moment but by asking a direct, closed, question, you are communicating that you expect a response from Lucy.
 
Instead you might have said “you can’t get comfortable, can you help me understand more about that?” Lucy says “my chair is too hard”. You say “do you need me to get you another chair?” Although you are trying to help Lucy, you immediately close down the conversation.
 
Instead you might say “I hear you telling me you struggle to concentrate in lessons because you can’t get comfortable as your chair is too hard. I care about you and want you feel comfortable, is there anything I can do to help?” Lucy says, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore”. You say “I need to know why you feel so uncomfortable in your chair” This closes Lucy down and makes her unlikely to feel she can talk to you in the future. 
​
Instead you might have said, “that’s fine Lucy. I care about you and I am here if you want to talk again”

How old is the child?

0 - 2

3 - 5

6 - 9

10 - 13

14 - 15

16 - 18

​Talking to parents and carers 

Some questions you may want to ask when talking to parents or carers are;
​

• Do you know whether your child may have seen this behaviour before?
• What are the rules about privacy in your home? For example, can people in your home go into each other’s bedrooms? Do you have locks on bathroom doors? Do people in your home always wear their clothes when around others at home?
• Does your child share a bedroom?
• Does your child have access to the internet? Is this supervised or restricted at all?
• Do you check your child’s mobile phone at all?
• How does your child seem at home?
• Have you had any concerns about their behaviour at home?
• Do you know why your child may have done this?

 
For more information and support for talking to parents and carers please have a look at here (hyperlink)

​Reflection Point

​Think about what the child has told you up to now and how that may or may not have changed your levels of concern.
 
Some things to remember;

• If the child has told you something that you think clearly indicates sexual abuse (hyperlink to next section) you will need to follow your safeguarding procedures
• Clearly and accurately record your conversations with the child. Use their own language and record your professional view
• Think about what you will say to the child’s parents/carers (hyperlink)
• Think about accessing supervision

If think child hasn’t told you anything but you have opened the door to communication, think about what you may need to consider next time you speak to them

Want to know more about child development?