Core Skills
Whilst the specific questions you can ask a child are extremely important, the way in which you ask these questions is of equal importance. It may be that none of the below is new to you, but it is always useful to be reminded of the core skills to draw upon when talking to children about child sexual abuse.
Relationship building
Being able to establish rapport is one of the most critical skills required for effective communication by professionals and is often underrated. Taking the time to establish rapport with a child cannot be underestimated as this is where the basis of trust is formed. It is important that you get to know the child as much as possible within the time you have and try to understand their lived experiences. You need to demonstrate to the child that you are reliable, consistent, warm and you care about them.
You may not have a lot of time to speak to the child, but it is important that you take some time to try and develop rapport. How you do this will depend on the age and developmental stage of the child, but you might choose to ask the child what they enjoy (e.g. favourite food, TV programme, pizza topping) or take a toy or game to introduce to the child. It is important that this interaction is as reciprocal as possible, take some time to tell the child a bit about yourself too. You will need to think about culture, gender, disability and sexuality and think about how to acknowledge and value these aspects of a child’s identity. It is important to think about how a child’s experience of discrimination in the recent past will impact on their response to you.
Self-awareness
As professionals, you will all bring your own history, experiences and values to your work, and this can affect how you identify or respond to sexual abuse. You may hold personal values around, for example, what constitutes normal sexual behaviour and what are appropriate or inappropriate boundaries within the home. For those professionals who have had their own painful experiences, such as sexual abuse, this may make it easier for them to recognise abuse – but may also make it harder, particularly if these experiences are unresolved.
Understanding your own experiences and beliefs about sex and child sexual abuse will help to ensure you remain as unbiased as possible when talking to the child.
Empathy
Empathy is a way of connecting with others and shows the child you know they’re experiencing something—even if you don’t understand exactly how it feels to them. Empathy says: “I want you to know you’re not alone. And I want to understand how this feels to you.” This is a really useful message to convey to a child when you are talking about sexual abuse as it doesn’t assume you know how the child feels.
In order to demonstrate empathy to the child it is important that you listen to them without judgement. You may think you know how they are feeling but it is important not to make assumptions about this. Some useful questions to ask yourself here are:
- What more do I need to know about what’s going on here?
- What else do I need to learn about how the child is seeing or reacting to what’s going on here?
- How am I reacting in the moment? What do I need to do to let the child know I’m listening?
Honesty
Children are often very skilled at picking up on dishonesty or disingenuity and therefore it is important to be as honest and genuine as possible. Tell the child what you are going to do with any information they share with you and if you are not able to do this, tell them why. Small steps can reassure the child that you have understood their circumstances. Children are not always thinking about a “process response” (a Child in Need or Child Protection process) but whether they have been noticed and understood and actions could be simply that you as a professional are keeping an eye on them and are prepared to listen to further concerns.
Responsivity
All children are different and will communicate in different ways and it is important that you remain responsive to this; this will also be dependent on their age and stage of development. Some children prefer to draw, play, move around when talking, communicate through puppets, write letters, talk in the car, use sign language, use t their computer or mobile phone and a great many other things. Try to allow the child to communicate in whatever way they feel most comfortable and don’t make assumptions about this; sometimes older children prefer to communicate through play as much as younger children.
Whilst the specific questions you can ask a child are extremely important, the way in which you ask these questions is of equal importance. It may be that none of the below is new to you, but it is always useful to be reminded of the core skills to draw upon when talking to children about child sexual abuse.
Relationship building
Being able to establish rapport is one of the most critical skills required for effective communication by professionals and is often underrated. Taking the time to establish rapport with a child cannot be underestimated as this is where the basis of trust is formed. It is important that you get to know the child as much as possible within the time you have and try to understand their lived experiences. You need to demonstrate to the child that you are reliable, consistent, warm and you care about them.
You may not have a lot of time to speak to the child, but it is important that you take some time to try and develop rapport. How you do this will depend on the age and developmental stage of the child, but you might choose to ask the child what they enjoy (e.g. favourite food, TV programme, pizza topping) or take a toy or game to introduce to the child. It is important that this interaction is as reciprocal as possible, take some time to tell the child a bit about yourself too. You will need to think about culture, gender, disability and sexuality and think about how to acknowledge and value these aspects of a child’s identity. It is important to think about how a child’s experience of discrimination in the recent past will impact on their response to you.
Self-awareness
As professionals, you will all bring your own history, experiences and values to your work, and this can affect how you identify or respond to sexual abuse. You may hold personal values around, for example, what constitutes normal sexual behaviour and what are appropriate or inappropriate boundaries within the home. For those professionals who have had their own painful experiences, such as sexual abuse, this may make it easier for them to recognise abuse – but may also make it harder, particularly if these experiences are unresolved.
Understanding your own experiences and beliefs about sex and child sexual abuse will help to ensure you remain as unbiased as possible when talking to the child.
Empathy
Empathy is a way of connecting with others and shows the child you know they’re experiencing something—even if you don’t understand exactly how it feels to them. Empathy says: “I want you to know you’re not alone. And I want to understand how this feels to you.” This is a really useful message to convey to a child when you are talking about sexual abuse as it doesn’t assume you know how the child feels.
In order to demonstrate empathy to the child it is important that you listen to them without judgement. You may think you know how they are feeling but it is important not to make assumptions about this. Some useful questions to ask yourself here are:
- What more do I need to know about what’s going on here?
- What else do I need to learn about how the child is seeing or reacting to what’s going on here?
- How am I reacting in the moment? What do I need to do to let the child know I’m listening?
Honesty
Children are often very skilled at picking up on dishonesty or disingenuity and therefore it is important to be as honest and genuine as possible. Tell the child what you are going to do with any information they share with you and if you are not able to do this, tell them why. Small steps can reassure the child that you have understood their circumstances. Children are not always thinking about a “process response” (a Child in Need or Child Protection process) but whether they have been noticed and understood and actions could be simply that you as a professional are keeping an eye on them and are prepared to listen to further concerns.
Responsivity
All children are different and will communicate in different ways and it is important that you remain responsive to this; this will also be dependent on their age and stage of development. Some children prefer to draw, play, move around when talking, communicate through puppets, write letters, talk in the car, use sign language, use t their computer or mobile phone and a great many other things. Try to allow the child to communicate in whatever way they feel most comfortable and don’t make assumptions about this; sometimes older children prefer to communicate through play as much as younger children.
Reflection point
Think for a minute about the messages you received about sex when you were growing up. Was it talked about openly? Something to be ashamed of? Never discussed?
What do those sexual scripts mean to you now?
How might they impact how you talk to a child who is experiencing sexual abuse?