A child has told you they are being sexually abused
This section applies to those children who have told you something that indicates sexual abuse.
When a child tells someone they have experienced sexual abuse, they can experience heightened feelings of shame and guilt, often further compounded by the negative reactions of others. However, this should not stop professionals providing opportunities for children to talk and ensuring children and their families receive the necessary support thereafter.
Confidentiality is important to children but can be difficult to balance with professionals’ safeguarding responsibilities. Professionals may experience a tension around this in their relationship with the child. As maintaining confidentiality after a child has told you they are being sexually abused is not likely to be possible, it is important to be open, honest and transparent with the child.
What is the purpose of your discussion?
The most important thing to remember when supporting a child who has told you they have been, or are being, sexually abused, is that your primary concern is to ensure the safety of the child.
The types of questions you ask are likely to be influenced by the purpose of your discussion. For example, if you are the first person the child has spoken to, the child’s trusted adult, you will need to ask enough questions to ensure the child is safe and that you can hand over sufficient detail to your safeguarding lead. If you are the safeguarding lead, you may be speaking to the child after someone else has already spoken to them.
Consider the context
Context for the child
Whatever, your role, it is always useful to consider how the child communicates and whether they may experience any barriers in communicating with you (hyperlink to part 1 – barriers section). Some useful questions to ask yourself are;
- What barriers might the child face in communicating with me?
- How can I overcome these barriers?
- What additional support might the child need?
- Who can I seek advice from?
Environment
However you choose to start the conversation, it is important to think about how and where it will take place. Conversations should always take place with as much privacy as possible for the child and as the child is living with an adult of concern, it is essential to make sure this adult is not present when you are speaking to the child. It is also useful to keep the following considerations in mind.
- Think about what you know about the child, do they prefer to talk in a car or whilst walking? Some children find it easier to talk when they are not expected to look at an adult
- If you are planning to use a room, ensure it is warm, comfortable and quiet
- If using a room, try to ensure it is familiar to the child, but in this situation, outside the family home wherever possible
- Think about who else is present and try to speak to the child alone wherever possible. It is important to ensure the adult of concern is not present or close by.
- Sit on the same level as the child, this might be the floor or a low table
- Ensure you have a drink and a snack available where possible
- Think about positioning in the room. For example, can the child leave easily if they want to?
Points to consider when talking to the child
If the child has chosen to talk to you, it is important not to shut them down. They have chosen you to talk to and trust. This can sometimes feel quite daunting as you may worry about what else the child will say or how you will respond. The following points are intended to provide some guidance in relation to how you might manage these conversations.
- Provide reassurance
- Be attuned to the needs of the child
- Be aware of your body language
- Seek the child’s wishes
- Is there anyone else you are worried about?
- Is there anything else you are worried about?
- Is there anything we can do to make you feel safe?
- Let the child know your next steps
- Ending the conversation
- I am now going to do X, we will talk again, and you can come back to me at any time
- Is there anything else you want to tell me?
- Is there anything about what you have told me that you don’t think I have understood?
- It is right that you have spoken to me about your worries
What questions can I ask?
As the child’s trusted adult, you are the person to whom the child has chosen to talk about their sexual abuse. Sometimes children choose to tell someone they don’t know when the opportunity arises, for example during a health appointment, other times children choose to speak to someone they know well.
As the child’s Trusted Adult your primary role in this conversation will be to establish the child’s safety and gather enough information to share with your safeguarding lead. Here are some suggestions which may assist you in having these conversations;
1) Starting conversations
Using cues (e.g. child’s behaviour, undisputed facts) as a starting point can be useful. Use observation – noticing what the child is doing and comment on this: “I notice that….” This is particularly helpful with younger children, who rely heavily on non-verbal communication: “You are pointing..”
Notice their behaviour “ I can see that you are putting your hand on your private area
2) Taking the child’s lead
Establish the child as an expert from the outset of your conversation and ensure that your verbal and non-verbal communication conveys that. E.g. avoid speaking over children as if they were not there and avoid using complex language in their presence (even if not directed at them). Avoid interrupting or correcting children, to convey the importance of the child’s expertise rather than the adult’s. Let the child know that they will not be pushed, prodded or coerced into giving information. Important to make it clear it is acceptable not to give an answer.
2) Careful use of ‘Wh’ questions
In order to ensure a child is safe, you may need to ask specific questions, particularly questions beginning with ‘who, what, where, when”. Some examples of ways in which you may ask these questions are provided below
Examples:
- Who will be at home when you go home later? Or ‘who is picking you up from school today?’
- If the child uses ambiguous language (e.g. referring to “my flower”) you may need to clarify their meaning. You may say “children often use different words to describe things, can you tell me what you mean when you say flower?”
- If the child has told you they have been hurt by someone but hasn’t given you enough detail to know who the person is you might ask “can you tell me who ‘s/he’ is?”.
- “Can you tell me when Simon last came into your bedroom?” or “can you tell me when that last happened?”
3) Avoid asking ‘Why’
One particular type of question that should be avoided is the ‘Why’ question. Why questions can sound blaming to the child and can be interpreted as accusatory. If you want to understand more about the reasons for a child’s fear of going home, for example, you could avoid the use of ‘why’ by saying:
- “What is it you are afraid will happen if you go home?”
4) Know when you have enough information to safeguard the child
Sometimes professionals are unsure of when to stop asking questions. You only need to ask enough questions to have an understanding of what has happened and to ascertain whether the child is currently safe. Once you have this information, there is no need to ask any further questions.
5) Validation
It is important to take a believing stance in body language and accept what a child says, to encourage them to talk more about it. However, it is important to reserve judgment about the ‘truth’ or otherwise as this can bias how you speak to the child and may imply to them that there is a right answer to your questions, I however you can still remain supportive of what the child is saying to you.
Do not suggest to a child you want a particular answer from them, or that the answer they give is right or wrong. Avoiding responding with “OK” or “right” or “yes” is advisable as they can suggest approval of what the child is telling you.Saying things instead like “uuuhu” or “mhhm” or “go on” shows you are listening and encourages the child to continue, and don’t suggest a right or wrong answer.
Sometimes professionals are advised to say to children ‘it wasn’t/isn’t your fault”, however this can be problematic as some children very much feel that the abuse was or is their fault and have often been told this by their abuser. In telling the child that they are not to blame there is a risk that the child thinks you do not understand them or what they feel they have done and this can result in children shutting down or stopping talking to you. Instead you might say “what you have told me happened is not Ok and should not have happened”.
6) Clarity
Misunderstandings in communication are unlikely to be corrected by children, especially younger children. Consequently, it is helpful to use phrases such as ‘If I get something wrong, you tell me’ or ‘Sometimes I get muddled up, so please tell me if I do.’ Avoid guessing or supposing what the child might have said. If unintelligible, ask the child to repeat the word and record it to clarify later.
Example interactions
Child: He hurts me
You: He hurts you? Can you tell me more about that?
Child: Daddy hurts me
You: Daddy hurts you. Can you tell me more about that?
Child: He puts his finger in my fairy
You: He puts his finger in your fairy?
Child: Yes, it hurts
You: You say Daddy puts his finger in your fairy, where is your fairy?
Child: Down there
You: Down there?
You: Iteration (e.g.uh huh)
You: You have told me that Daddy hurts you when he puts his finger down there. I need to go and talk to someone else who works here/with me so that we can talk about what you have told me
You: Is there anything else you would like me to do?
Child: I don’t want to go home, he comes into my bedroom when I’m sleeping
You: You don’t want to go home. He comes into your bedroom when you are sleeping? Can you tell me more about that?
Child: I don’t like it
You: You don’t like it.
Can you tell me who comes into your bedroom?
Child: Simon
You: Simon comes into your bedroom when you are sleeping?
Child: *Nods head*
You: Can you tell me more about that?
Child: He does things
You: Simon comes into your bedroom while you are sleeping and does things. Can you tell me more about that?
Child: He plays with his willy and touches my bottom
You: Simon plays with his willy and touches your bottom
Child: *Nods head*
You: When was the last time Simon touched your bottom?
Child: Last night
You: You have told me that you don’t want to go home because Simon comes into your room whilst you are sleeping and touches your bottom. I need to go and talk to someone about that so we can make sure we keep you safe. Why don’t you do some colouring here and I will be back very soon.
Child: If I ask you something will you promise not to tell anyone?
You: I’m really pleased you feel you can talk to me. I would only talk to someone else about what you say to me if I really needed to and I would always tell you I was going to do that
Child: Ok
You: Are you feeling Ok?
Child: *shruggs shoulders*
You: Is there anything you would like to talk to me about?
Child: He says he loves me but I don’t know if that’s right?
You: He says he loves you but you don’t know if that’s right
Child: Yeah. He says he cares about me but I don’t know. He has sex with me all the time. I don’t know
You: I hear you saying he has sex with you all the time and you don’t like it
Child: I hate it. He hurts me when he does it. He is rough and I don’t like it. I hate him
You: I hear that someone has sex with you, they hurt you and they are rough with you
Child: *Nods head*
You: Do you feel able to tell me anymore about who it is that has sex with you and hurts you?
Child: Nigel
You: Nigel
Child: Yeah.
You: Do you feel able to tell me how you know Nigel
Child: He lives with us, he’s my mum’s boyfriend
You: Nigel is your mum’s boyfriend
Child: Yes. I hate him. He says he loves me but I hate him
You: Do you feel able to tell me when when Nigel last had sex with you?
Child: Last night
You: When we first started speaking you asked if I would tell anyone if you told me something. I said I would only do that if I really needed to. I need to make sure you are safe so this is one of those times when I really need to talk to someone.
You: How do you feel now?
You: Is there anything else you would like me to know or do?
Talking to parents and carers
Talking to parents and carers about child sexual abuse can be a daunting task fraught with concerns about what to say and how to say it.
The following advice may be useful to give to parents and carers when their child has experienced child sexual abuse;
For more information and support for talking to parents and carers please have a look at our non-abusing parents guidance (hyperlink)
Talking to parents and carers about child sexual abuse can be a daunting task fraught with concerns about what to say and how to say it.
The following advice may be useful to give to parents and carers when their child has experienced child sexual abuse;
- Try to listen to what your child says without asking too many questions
- Communicate that you believe them
- Try your best to stay calm – this is really easy to say and not so easy to do but it is important that your child doesn’t worry about your emotional reactions
- Let your child come back to you as often as they want – they may not be able to talk to you about everything they want in one go – create opportunities for them to talk to you whenever they want
- Remind your child that what has happened is not their fault – it is also important to remind non-abusing parents that it is not their fault either
- Don’t assume how your child might be feeling
For more information and support for talking to parents and carers please have a look at our non-abusing parents guidance (hyperlink)
How old is the child?
Reflection Point
Talking to children about sexual abuse can be challenging. Think about how you are feeling now? Where can you go to access support? How will you manage your emotional wellbeing, both in and out of work?