How children talk to us about sexual abuse
In order to help children tell us what is happening to them, professionals need to understand the different ways children may talk to us, and what the barriers and enablers for them may be.
In some situations, a child first talking to us about sexual abuse can appear ‘spontaneous’, following the child’s recognition, over time, that abuse has occurred (Cossar et al, 2013). It may be triggered by a lesson in school, a TV programme or an escalation of the abuse. In other situations, a child may tell about abuse accidentally (Alaggia, 2004; Allnock and Miller, 2013). A child’s need or wish to talk to us may build over time until they cannot contain the secret any more – a “pressure cooker effect” (McElvaney et al., 2012) (‘containing the secret’). They may also have told because they believe that other children, such as their siblings are at risk of abuse.
Alternatively, a child talking about abuse may not be spontaneous at all, occurring only when prompted during, for example, a medical examination, a child protection inquiry or assessment of their needs, an interview or a therapeutic session – or simply when a teacher or health professional notices something may be wrong and asks about it (Alaggia, 2004).
The detail provided within a child’s account may be vague or absent as children may not be able to recall specific information. There may be only partial information and details may or may not change over time (Allnock, 2018; McElvaney, 2015) and detail will be entirely missing when a child communicates through behaviours or other signals.
In order to help children tell us what is happening to them, professionals need to understand the different ways children may talk to us, and what the barriers and enablers for them may be.
In some situations, a child first talking to us about sexual abuse can appear ‘spontaneous’, following the child’s recognition, over time, that abuse has occurred (Cossar et al, 2013). It may be triggered by a lesson in school, a TV programme or an escalation of the abuse. In other situations, a child may tell about abuse accidentally (Alaggia, 2004; Allnock and Miller, 2013). A child’s need or wish to talk to us may build over time until they cannot contain the secret any more – a “pressure cooker effect” (McElvaney et al., 2012) (‘containing the secret’). They may also have told because they believe that other children, such as their siblings are at risk of abuse.
Alternatively, a child talking about abuse may not be spontaneous at all, occurring only when prompted during, for example, a medical examination, a child protection inquiry or assessment of their needs, an interview or a therapeutic session – or simply when a teacher or health professional notices something may be wrong and asks about it (Alaggia, 2004).
The detail provided within a child’s account may be vague or absent as children may not be able to recall specific information. There may be only partial information and details may or may not change over time (Allnock, 2018; McElvaney, 2015) and detail will be entirely missing when a child communicates through behaviours or other signals.
Understanding the process
A child talking to us about sexual abuse is best understood as a ‘process’ which is influenced by the characteristics and qualities of relationships in children’s lives, and may evolve over an extended period of time (Jensen et al, 2005; Reitsema and Grietens, 2016).
An ongoing process
A child rarely tells us everything about their abuse in one go, rather it is a process that occurs over time. As noted above, it may move from unintentional and indirect methods, such as behavioural manifestations, through to more direct means, such as purposefully or accidentally telling someone what is happening.
‘Containing the secret’Rosaleen McElvaney (2012) has developed a useful framework which conceptualises this process as ‘containing the secret’. The process involves three key dynamics, whereby children and young people:
1. Actively withhold the secret (for fear of the consequences of telling).
2. Are torn between needing to tell (to make the abuse stop and to get support) and wanting to keep the secret (for fear of the consequences of telling) – she calls this the ‘pressure cooker effect’.
3. Confide in the context of a trusting relationship.
It is important to understand the emotional struggle of the second stage, in order to be able to support children and young people empathically, respectfully and patiently through their journey. It is also important to remember that these three dynamics are not necessarily relevant to all children. Children need emotional containment, to help them tell and to support them after they have told.
A two-way process
Professionals often think about a child’s communication with us as being a one-way process in which it is the child’s responsibility to tell someone what is going on, and if they don’t do this verbally then there’s nothing that can be done. A child’s decision to talk to us is best understood as a process which is influenced by relationships and interactions with others: children need help to tell and you are as integral to the process as the child themselves.
It is also really important to remember that it is not a child’s responsibility to safeguard themselves and if you have any concerns about a child it is your duty to act upon them.
A child talking to us about sexual abuse is best understood as a ‘process’ which is influenced by the characteristics and qualities of relationships in children’s lives, and may evolve over an extended period of time (Jensen et al, 2005; Reitsema and Grietens, 2016).
An ongoing process
A child rarely tells us everything about their abuse in one go, rather it is a process that occurs over time. As noted above, it may move from unintentional and indirect methods, such as behavioural manifestations, through to more direct means, such as purposefully or accidentally telling someone what is happening.
‘Containing the secret’Rosaleen McElvaney (2012) has developed a useful framework which conceptualises this process as ‘containing the secret’. The process involves three key dynamics, whereby children and young people:
1. Actively withhold the secret (for fear of the consequences of telling).
2. Are torn between needing to tell (to make the abuse stop and to get support) and wanting to keep the secret (for fear of the consequences of telling) – she calls this the ‘pressure cooker effect’.
3. Confide in the context of a trusting relationship.
It is important to understand the emotional struggle of the second stage, in order to be able to support children and young people empathically, respectfully and patiently through their journey. It is also important to remember that these three dynamics are not necessarily relevant to all children. Children need emotional containment, to help them tell and to support them after they have told.
A two-way process
Professionals often think about a child’s communication with us as being a one-way process in which it is the child’s responsibility to tell someone what is going on, and if they don’t do this verbally then there’s nothing that can be done. A child’s decision to talk to us is best understood as a process which is influenced by relationships and interactions with others: children need help to tell and you are as integral to the process as the child themselves.
It is also really important to remember that it is not a child’s responsibility to safeguard themselves and if you have any concerns about a child it is your duty to act upon them.
“There were so many times when I thought about telling someone, but it was just like, how do you bring it up? How do you just walk into a room and go to someone, ‘oh by the way this happened’?”
Female aged 18, quoted in Warrington et al, 2017